Bad Medicine
by Pseudomask
Summary: When one thing goes wrong right after another, Mitsukake starts to get a little cranky. completededited
1. Part I

The Medicine Man

By: Pseudomask

Disclaimer:  None of the Fushigi Yugi characters belong to me, they belong to Yu Watase and a bunch of other people.  This piece of work is just for entertainment purposes (although it might not be very entertaining).

Warnings: There is some character bashing, but it's not my fault.  It's just that Mits is a little cranky, so HE might say some insulting things about the other senshi.  Also, watch out for poor grammar and writing, and a gardening dominatrix. 

Side Note: This is my first fanfic (that is my excuse for it sucking so much).  Any reviews or comments would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading!

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How had he gotten himself into such a predicament?  He was supposed to enjoy a 

nice peaceful day at the lake, fishing with his loyal and most trusted companion 

Tama, and somehow it had lead to this catastrophe!  As much as he loved his 

fellow seishi, every man had his limit and he passed his many an hour ago.

His day started going downhill once he saw his comrade, Chiriko was slowly pacing along the lavishly decorated halls with a mammoth smile spread across his miniature face.  

Mitsukake prayed to every deity he knew that he had not been spotted.  He dove behind a nearby plant, but failed pitifully at trying to hide his hulk of a frame behind the pot of breathtaking orchids.  Not his most brilliant plan, he had to admit.

As he heard the faint sound of Chiriko's footsteps head in his direction, he pondered silently to himself as to why Chiriko sought out his companionship.  

Perhaps it was because such a young child desired a father figure's reassurance in life.  But this brought upon Mitsukake another desperate question.

But why did it have to be HIM!?!?!?

He supposed that it was logical that he be viewed as a father figure, for the other senshi all lacked the time to take on such a demanding task, or the necessary parenting skills (not to say that Tasuki didn't have other admirable qualities).

"Mitsukake, what is your purpose for positing yourself in such an peculiar position behind that foliage?" questioned the curious boy with the freakish gravity-defying ponytail who was looming over Mitsukake's head.  What indeed was he doing here?

"Why… I…," he stalled for a reasonable explanation, while picking himself off the pristine floor, "was just pondering how the servants managed to get these orchids to look so…so… happy."

Okay, so it was evident that Mits had not the slightest knowledge in gardening, or a very skilled liar for that matter.  Hopefully, the younger senshi would just leave it at that…

…but, of course, he was NEVER that lucky.

"I was not aware that an orchids are capable of such blatant displays of emotion!" stated a confused and yet simultaneously fascinated Chiriko, who was closely inspecting the plant before him.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, the larger man responded, "It was just a figure of speech Chiriko, do not concern yourself with it, for it is not worth your time."  …but, more importantly, HIS precious leisure time.

Apparently, Chiriko disagreed with his companion's statement.  "We should really make an inquiry with the servants to see her methods of gardening, it be a most educational experience!"

* * *

The imperial servant, who was the caretaker of the garden, was a positively ancient decrepit withered old man. He had a large assortment of (well used) whips and chains that laced the dust coated walls.  Chiriko made little note of them, more interested in the man's methods of making the orchids appear to be so 

"jubilant"…

Mitsukake, on the other hand, was seriously questioning the palace's overall stability. A dominatrix for a gardener, a cross-dressing member of the imperial harem… just what WAS Hotohori doing with the place anyways!?!  

After fifty-two minutes and twenty-six seconds (he counted every agonizing second of pure torture with the gardener) he discovered that, yes, the happy appearance of the orchids was caused by a healthy mixture of horse manure, and a little sweet lullaby that the gardener sung in intervals of three hours each day.  Chiriko, of course, desired to see this demonstration…

…which was when Mitsukake made his escape from that hellhole!

So now, he resumed his trek to the pond, where he would go spend a leisurely day with Tama fishing.  The air seemed pure and the grass was crisp beneath his feet, how he had longed for this modest vacation from civilization…

"Mitsukake, whatcha doing?" 

Turning his head slowly, Mitsukake started to wonder exactly WHY he had stopped living as a hermit in the mountains under the guise of an old man.  

Then, at least, no one was foolish enough to bother him except…

"Miaka, I was merely ATTEMPTING to go on a fishing expedition," he stated, making an effort to keep the frustration out of his voice.  

Running quickly beside him, she quickly exclaimed, "GREAT!  I am soooooo hungry!"  So, together they went ventured onward, with Mitsukake trying valiantly to outrun her, but he discovered that she was malformed in some way, to make her legs longer so she was freakishly fast. 

They arrived at the lake, which was infamous for not only it's fish, but it's drowning Priestess No Mikos as well.

Why had Hotohori saved her? WHY!?!?!?

So, after Miaka practiced her 'expert' rock skipping skills in the lake, she finally asked, "I wonder why the fish aren't biting today?"

Mitsukake merely turned his beaten and bruised head (for Miaka's aim was a little "rusty" as she put it) and glared at her for a good minute.

"Mits, are you okay?  Your eye is twitching and stuff.  You should really get that checked out," Miaka casually commented.

"I'm fine, don't concern yourself," he declared through clenched teeth, reeling back in his fishing line, which once again was empty.

Squinting her eyes at the hunched man before her, she screeched, "Hey, look!  

Now there is a big old ugly vein popping out of your forehead! Mits, you could be dying of some weird plaque!"

… … if he were only that lucky.

Thankfully, Chichiri, a fellow senshi, that like of Chiriko, who also had freakish gravity defying hair, which also disturbed Mitsukake to no end, saved their Priestess from a sound strangling.  

"Wow, Chichiri!  Look at all those fishes you caught!"  Miaka shouted, the glutton in her making it's way to the surface, accompanied by a string of glistening drool hanging from her lower lip.

Turning his head *extremely* slowly, Mitsukake observed that indeed, the monk had a silver bucket that contained numerous fish within it.

Smiling, as best he could within the confines of his mask recollected, "It seems all the fish were gathered in the one side of the lake, no da," then crouching down into the grass, he continued, "I am surprised you didn't catch anything 

Mitsukake, it is such a peaceful day!"

Thankfully, before he could respond, Miaka, in her dire state of hunger, had already started to try and eat the fish… raw, mind you.

"Well, I suppose we should cook these no da," he claimed gaily as he observed her, "Would you like to join us Mits?"

Mitsukake shifted uncomfortably before replying, "No, I suppose I'll try my luck 

here some more," he thought now that Miaka will be GONE!

So, they both left, FINALLY leaving poor abused Mitsukake to his own devices.  

Perhaps, the day could be salvaged after all.

He cast his line off again… and again… and again…

Eventually, he decided that the fish had more than likely developed a serve case of posttraumatic stress syndrome, and were probably seeking professional help in other areas of the pond.

Miaka had ruined his FAVORITE fishing spot! Who knew how long those fish were going to be traumatized! 

He decided to relocate to another spot, grabbing his supplies he started to leave, when he realized that he was missing his most loyal and trusted companion!  

"TAMA!" Mitsukake desperately shouted across the field.  "TAMA! Where are you?!?!"

Running towards the palace, he decided to frantically search the area for his beloved cat!  Who knows what people would do to such a wonderful, innocent, magnificent creature!

TBC… probably

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Yeah, not sure if that was funny or not, but like I said, my first attempt at a 

fanfic let alone humor.  Sorry if it's confusing or just plain old weird… it's not like I'm confusing or strange at all… … … 

… okay so maybe not.

Any reviews would be much appreciated!


	2. Part II

Bad Medicine

Part II

Disclaimer:  ::writes in sand with withered broken stick:: Me no own Fushigi 

Yugi.

Warnings:  Mitsukake is a *little* OOC, watch out for random sightings of poor grammar and mechanical errors, for they might sneak up on you.  

Side Note:  Thanks to everyone who reviewed!  It really means a lot to me that you guys would even read my story, let alone took the time to comment on it.  

Special Thanks to:  Lumi-chan, Methodical Madness, Seren-chan, and Dragon 

Goddess!  You guys are great!

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There was a fierce pebble logged deep within the confines of his shoe.  It irritated him to no end, but was how the entire day had been, hadn't it? 

It had been one horrible of a day, and it wasn't even half over.

Still, he persisted on, despite this handicap; after all, he had to tract down his most trusted companion, Tama.  He ran through his mind attempting to recall the last time he had seen the little furball.

He had been present at the break of dawn to greet Mitsukake with an ever so polite yawn in the face.  The felines less than pleasant breath (no wonder, the poor cat had not seen a toothbrush in his entire lifetime) had knocked poor Mitsukake out for a solid half an hour.  This was a daily ritual, and Mitsukake surely would have noticed had it not taken place!  

Touching his calloused finger to his manly chin, he continued to ponder.  He couldn't envision his Tama being upset with his caretaker, who else would pamper him like Mitsukake did?

Perhaps some jealous on looker had desired such a wonderful companion.  But who would have the nerve to do such a thing?  

Walking furiously fast (okay, so it was more like a ferocious hobble, due to the pesky pebble lodged in his footwear) Mitsukake headed towards the direction of the palace, intending to inform the imperial guard of his missing comrade.  He would have Tama's mug shot on every milk carton by the time the sun had set. 

Hearing voices, no, not the schizophrenic variety, (Mitsukake remembered to take his medication today) he turned his head to the source of the sound.  It, of course, was none other than Miaka and Chichiri.

"I can't believe that Tamahome!  Instead of spending his *chomp* time with lovely *BURP* me he goes off to town!"  Miaka managed to complain through a mouthful of juicy tender fish, which was lodged all through out her teeth.  "So, instead I hung out with Mits, which I guess is good… I could tell he REALLY needed the company."

The mage before her wiped a lump of massive half-chewed tuna from his face, thankful once again that he was wearing his mask.  Who KNEW what type of rabid diseases their priestess carried from the chaotic future!

"Well, he is probably thinking up some crazy scam to earn some money, no da," stated while turning his head from another onslaught of half consumed fish, "you shouldn't take it personally…"

The rest of the conversation was blurred out as Mitsukake hobbled off in the direction of the market, with horrible images of Tama being abused at the hands of Tamahome racing through his tortured psyche!

*  *  *

After consuming a colossal number of free samples (or so the hag attending the cart claimed) of sushi neatly placed on wooden toothpicks, Mitsukake decided to continue on his conquest.  He only departed the stand of food after the ill-tempered woman there started to glower at him with her little beady eyes.  

You see, Mitsukake did not lack complete social competence, for he did catch a hint… 

…once in awhile.  

Okay, so him catching a hint was about as common as Hotohori being humble, but at LEAST Mitsukake TRIED to be more social as of late.  Did he not try and spend more quality time with Chiriko, his fellow senshi?  Didn't he make a new acquaintance, the psychotic singing dominatrix of a gardener?  Was his morning not spent being kind and sociable to Miaka, and was he not making this little adventure to town?  

It was beside the point that all this was forced upon Mitsukake.  The POINT WAS that he was being more open minded, unlike Hotohori, who was indubitably attempting to persuade one of his abused servants into to hauling around a full length mirror upon their withered back until they developed a crippling case of multiple sclerosis.     

Mitsukake shook his head, realizing that he had let his thoughts wander away from him.  He was on a mission to rescue Tama….

…and to get more free samples of scrumptious foods (if time permitted).

After crossing the fruit stand, which was suspiciously sample free, (they had encountered Mitsukake fierce sampling skills before) he spotted the blue haired dashing miser that Miaka was so infatuated with.   

He was standing at the corner leaning inconspicuously against the brick wall, which, looking closer had graffiti on it that stated:

CALL NAKAGO FOR A GOOD TIME!  MEEEEEOW!

Upon reading the last word put two and two together in his mind.

A dark corner + Missing Tama + Greedy Tamahome = TAMAHOME THE PIMPING 

SENSHI?!?!?

In the blink of an eye (which would have to have been affected with a severe case of conjunctivitis, for Mitsukake was REALLY slow) he was giving Tamahome the worst Indian Burn in the history of seishi kind.

"WHERE IS TAMA?!?!?!"  Mitsukake growled through clenched teeth, clutching at 

Tamahome's mutilated flesh.  "TAMA IS AN HONEST KITTY, YOU WILL NOT DEGRADE HIM 

SUCH A MANNER!"

Spurred on by the image of his beloved Tama slumming it in a pair of well-worn second hand fishnets, for Tamahome was too cheap to buy decent attire for himself let alone his prostitutes, Mitsukake continued his "interrogation".

"WHO did you carelessly PIMP my BELOVED TAMA TO?!?!?" roared the normally calm and sedate healing seishi, who apparently was a little…. upset at the present time.

Tamahome let out a rather, high-pitched squeak, as Mitsukake continued to manhandle the con artist before him.  "I don't have your Tama!  I've only got one man working for me!"

Lurking out from the seemingly endless depths of the shadows, a sandy broken voice croaked out, "Look Tamahome, I gotta be back by the end of the hour," sighed the darkened figure, who looked at a nearby sundial (since they lacked digital wrist watched in ancient China).

Stepping into the murky light of "the corner" the man continued through his toothless gums, "I have to sing and rehydrate the plants over at the palace, or else they'll start complaining and lose their bright outlook on life, sonny."

Ceasing his death grip upon Tamahome's battered and bruised arm, Mitsukake was presented with the image of the brittle old gardener in all his glory before him 

(chains and whips included).  

Feeling sick to his stomach, Mitsukake escaped, despite the vivacious pebble that dwelled within the entity of his shoe, away from that cesspool of bacteria and disease.  

Wandering back into the streets, one question ran through Mitsukake's weary mind.  If Tamahome was not pimping Tama and exploiting his innocence, then where was he? 

TBC…

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Yeah, okay so that got really strange near the end… okay so the whole thing was really funky.  I have no excuse for my strange behavior, at least not any good ones…  ^__^

Thanks for reading!  I'll love it if anyone comments!


	3. Part III

Bad Medicine

Chapter 3

By: Pseudomask

Disclaimer:  I own Fushigi Yugi…… NOT! (Had you fooled for a minute there didn't 

I?)

Warnings:  Watch out for lack of writings ability, poor grammar, and awful mechanics, read at your OWN risk.  I also CAN blame Tasuki for poor language in this chapter.  I suppose I should warn you about yaoi due to Nuriko lusting after Hotohori, but I am not going to ^_~. Oh, a bunch of OOCness is present here, but nothing unusual.

Side Notes:  My last chapter is here concerning Bad Medicine (wow, I ACTUALLY completed a fic)!  Although this piece is finished, I might be tempted later to write another Mitsukake humor piece, just because I love to torture him, and I don't think there are enough of them out there (probably for a reason…) ^_^;;;

Special Thanks:  DragonGoddess, Methodical Madness, and VALY, thanks for reviewing my last chapter (they must be crazy or something)!  DG's a great writer (very funny as well), not only that but she is a very talented artist also.  If you're smart then you should go read her stuff, and visit the link to her artwork over at deviant art (love that site).  Although MM doesn't write 

(sadly ;_;) make sure to send some good karma his/her way, since MM has reviewed/read all my crap, went to my dreadful site (and survived)!  Thanks a bunch once again!  VALY, although she might TRY and tell you that she isn't an AWESOME writer DON'T believe her! She has loads of talent, so make sure you read her work, IF she hasn't tore it all down in frustration.  So, keep writing girl, you have loads of skill!

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Mitsukake cursed the day he decided to fulfill his seishi destiny, and traveled to this rotting excuse of a palace.  WHY had he not simply stayed in that old dreary village and sit back in his little shack of a home?  The only remotely dangerous acts he would have been performing would have included that of changing Tama's litter box, and washing his own rancid pairs of dirty neglected underwear.

Damn his conscious.  For if he had not ventured here he would still have his beloved Tama, and not to mention he would still have his manly black mane of chest hair, for it would not have been burned off by Tasuki in one of his drunken splendors! Now his pectorals (although larger in size, thankfully) were eerily similar to that of a puberty ridden Chiriko.  

Now, just HOW was he expected to get a girlfriend without any masculine chest hair?  It was bad enough that his idea of romance was opening a can of tuna together, and retiring before warm fire (while combing Tama's mane with 

Mitsukake's very own hairbrush).  Now, Mitsukake was forever doomed to open his tuna cans alone… for even Miboshi had a better chance at love than him (despite with those freakishly beady eyes).

But, such negative thoughts would not get him any closer to his goal of rescuing his lovable cuddly Tama.  Instead, he needed to retrace his steps/hobbles, and perhaps that would leave him a clue as to his companion's location.  After all, his feline friend could not have traveled too far, right?

*  *  *  *

Letting out a very loud sigh, Mitsukake was starting to give into the despair that he was feeling.  He had searched ALL over the palace grounds.  Well, most of it anyway, for he had avoided the creepy gardening dominatrix's lair, and as much as he loved Tama, he would just have to fend for himself, for there was no way in hell he was walking back into THAT torture chamber.  

So, now here poor pitiful Mitsukake sat, at the edge of the lake where he had been beaten to a bloody pulp by Miaka, and lost not only his favorite fishing spot, but his lovable loyal cat as well.

Removing his beaten tattered shoes, he intended to sooth his blistered abused feet by soaking them in the murky water of the lake before him.  He was in the process of doing so when he noticed a small gleaming object over to his right.  

Mitsukake, one who was always fascinated with bright shiny objects, like some crazy demented bird, leaned slowly over to retrieve it.

"Get your SLIMY OLD MEATHOOKS off my earring!" claimed a somewhat agitated voice… (to say the least).

Turning his head (once he convinced his heart to start pumping again), Mitsukake was greeted with the sight of his fellow seishi, Nuriko, who had his 'I'm constipated' face on, which was NOT a very good sign for poor abused Mitsukake health… as if he didn't have ENOUGH problems already!

As the he heard the light crunching of grass behind, Mitsukake prepared for whatever beating that was about ensue from his cross-dressing ally.  But, instead, Nuriko stopped suddenly, and he his face was transformed from a healthy peach, to a white marshmallow color…how Mitsukake loved marshmallows. 

Now, he realized that this was his golden opportunity to slither off into the shadows and escape whatever pain Nuriko might be tempted to inflict upon him.  

Yes, if Mitsukake had an ounce of intelligence that would have been his plan of action…

… but since when had he EVER shown anything remotely resembling intellect?

So, the next words uttered from Mitsukake were not surprising by any means.  

"Nuriko, are you ill?  Your complexion is a little pale," he stated, instantly regretting speaking those words, judging by the look in Nuriko's eyes.

"What's wrong with ME?!?   You mean what's wrong with YOU! " Nuriko shouted, obviously frustrated, but also mixed with a hint disgust.  Scrunching his nose in repulsion, he managed to continue, "I've NEVER seen such hideous feet!  I mean… they're an abomination upon human kind!"

Mitsukake tore his gaze away from the dainty seishi before him, and turned to study the mentioned feet.  Although, he did admit, they might not have been the loveliest of feet, but most certainly they couldn't be THAT appalling.  So, in retort, Mitsukake simply raised a sleek black eyebrow in the direction of his fellow super strong celestial warrior, only to be verbally abused once again.

"I mean, they've got FUNGUS on them for Suzaku's sake!" fumed Nuriko as he proceeded to viciously wave his manicured hand at the 'abomination' as he had eloquently stated earlier. "I BET Tama even has shorter toenails than you!"

Now that hurt Mitsukake deep within his lonely, and desperate soul!  Sure, he had never clipped his fungus-covered toenails, nor had he ever treated the hazardous case of athlete's foot that was currently wreaking havoc upon his pitiful feet, and indeed, he had never indulged himself enough to remove the corns and dried dead skin that was caked on them.  Still, that did NOT give Nuriko the right to ever so carelessly trample Mitsukake's poor and fragile feelings!

After all, poor Mitsukake had the self-esteem of a teenage girl (that was cursed with a horrendously flat chest and was plagued by a vicious case of acne!)

Thankfully, he was saved from this onslaught of mistreatment by none other than 

the one of Hotohori's servants, who (judging from the massive pits stains and putrid smell rising from him) had been running for quite some time (or was seriously out of shape).  Either way, he was about to deliver a cryptic message from the emperor.  

"His Majesty is **cough** in desperate **gasp** need of your seishi powers, 

**wheeze** celestial warrior Mitsukake!"

*  *  *  *

Mitsukake was starting to feel a little fatigued by the time he was done healing the servant, who apparently sprained his back while caring a heavy object for the emperor.  He was getting a little annoyed with the almost constant calls that Hotohori had made for him.  Poor Mitsukake worked 24-7, with very little benefits.

Really, his majesty should learn to carry his OWN mirrors!

He was just about to lecture Hotohori (in a respectful manner, since Nuriko was GLARING at Mitsukake still, who, of course followed the healing seishi to 'aid' the emperor) when the doors to the royal court were thrown ever so carelessly open, to reveal none other than a battered and heavily scratched Tasuki, thrown under his arm was none other than a slightly ruffled looking Tama, who meowed loudly upon seeing his owner.

 "Tama!" Mitsukake shouted his voice coated in jubilation (much like the disturbed gardeners plants).  Upon hearing this, the infamous furball leaped out of the speedy bandits arms, and ran to the feet of the healing hulk before him.  

Rubbing against the man's legs (despite being in such close proximity to the deadly feet), Tama purred his entire sob story to his master.

"I cannot BELIEVE you KIDNAPPED my precious Tama!" accused Mitsukake, as he gently scratched his companion's ear, and shared what little remnants he had from his sampling spree with him.

"Whatever, ya should THANK me for fer fuckin' watching that FLEA-RIDDEN 

THING of yours!" growled the fanged seishi before him, while rubbing a number of 'battle wounds' that he obtained from his exploits.  "Look, the damned monster fucking PUCKED on me!"

Indeed, Tasuki's was encumbered in a number of thick globs of sporadically placed vomit all over his only (and therefore, his "fuckin' favorite") pair of pants.  

Snickers ensued among the royal court, accompanied shortly by a string of curse and threats from none other than the red haired bandit.  Only one questioned was asked from the group (by none other than the vain emperor, Hotohori, who was valiantly attempting to get his recovering servant to once again pick up the tarnished mirror), "Tasuki, why did you feel the urge to so callously kidnap 

Tama?" 

"Cuz, I'm a bandit, what the HELL else do we DO? We fucking make other stupid guys lives MISERABLE!  We do horrible AWFUL SHIT!  CUZ WE'RE HEARTLESS!" he shouted the while doing a horrible jerky movements, otherwise known as the bandit dance.

Nuriko rolled his eyes, while ever so gracefully arranging his dress.  

"Whatever, you're just a big old softy," he stated, a smirk spreading across his feminine features (along with the finest beauty products ancient China had to offer)!

"Shut the HELL up!  Ya FUCKIN' CROSS-DRESSER!!!!"  With this declaration, a full out war was waged between the two…

… It lasted about 3.6786 seconds, ending with a Tasuki shaped hole in the emperor's wall.  

Stepping over the unconscious and bruised form of the bandit, Mitsukake ever so slowly stumbled to his room, avoiding the gardener, and the pimping Tamahome, who was back from his busy day at the corner, only to pass out three steps from his bed, with Tama curled closely at his side.

Poor Mitsukake knew that he would wake up with a demented sore back in the morning, but he JUST WANTED THIS DAY TO END!!

So, not bothering to remove himself from the cold hard dirty floor (for he refused to have ANY of the misfits from the staff step foot into his room after encountering the 'interesting' gardener) he passed out into a fitful slumber, hoping to not wake up until Miaka was GONE!

… … but of course, he was NEVER that lucky.

THE END.

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Yeah, so that really sucked, and made probably no sense whatsoever.  Oh well, now the torture is over for you the reader!  

Thanks to anyone who reviews this last chapter, and who read my first story (you poor souls)!  Once again, any trauma I inflict upon you is NOT my fault (okay, maybe a little, but you should have stopped reading after the first chapter)!

--- Pseudomask


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